I have been heavy most of my life, always active and sometimes fit, but heavy. The cookie cutter gym routine has never been for me. I always found myself paying for months of a membership I never used for more than 2 weeks. Machines lined up in front of full length mirrors, waiting for equipment I really had no desire to use, and day after day of watching ultra skinny girls run endless miles on a treadmill and deprive themselves always left me wondering why I joined in the first place. I have never been a fan of the same boring workout every day. I only pushed as hard as I wanted, which often wasn't really hard at all, and I would always leave before I even broke a sweat. "You worked as hard as you needed to" I would lie to myself.
Three months ago I found Crossfit... or I should say Crossfit was pushed on me by my brother-in-law... and my life hasn't been the same. Basically, CrossFit is fast, intense workouts that work you at or near your maximum capacity. The workouts are sheer, gut-wrenching physical challenges that can often leave you bloodied and on the verge of puking. It's about you, the reps and the clock, no one else. As individual as this is, it’s also about the community. When a workout leaves you lying on the ground in your own sweat, panting, too exhausted to stand, your Crossfit family gathers around and completes the last round with you, even after they have completed theirs and are barely able to stand themselves. It's the same family that cheers for you as you cross the finish line or pushes you to lift more weight than you ever have before. They tell you to try again when you fail and support you until you do it. Your success is their success. When the world is telling me that I don't fit into one of the perfect little stereotypes, these are the people telling me I am getting faster, better and stronger.
Crossfit is hard. It is honestly the hardest physical thing I have ever done. It is about pushing my limits, pushing through the pain, pushing to be the best I can possibly be. Crossfit helps you become a better person in all aspects of your life. Whether you are an experienced athlete or new to the box, you only get out of it what you put into it. Crossfit is teaching me a lot about living the life I want.
Everyone has a catalyst for jump starting their new life, it doesn't really matter what mine was, it just matters that I finally had one, a real one. I have spent countless, I am sure it is a really stupid amount, of hours of my life stressing about what number would show up on the scale when I step on it. If I wasn't stressing about it, I was ignoring it. Sadly, I have always felt so much of who I am is measured by that number on the scale, high or low. Not anymore. The only weight I try to focus on now is my PR, a personal record of how much crazy weight I can lift. My weight goal is something that I want to LIFT, instead of something I want to BE.
I’m not saying I don't get caught up if the scale doesn't move, because I do, just not as much. The difference this time is that I have no desire to be a size 4 or look like the women in magazines. That body will probably never happen for me, and that's ok. For the first time in my life, I understand what it is really about. I just want to be healthy. I want to look on the outside how I feel on the inside, healthy and strong. I won't let my weight define me anymore. I won't let it stop me from being the person I want to be or from doing the things I want to do. I want to be able to run an entire 5K. I want to be able to clean and jerk 150 lbs. I want my son to see what healthy really is. I want to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be. I want to be fit in all aspects of my life.
I used to think "I wish I could do that." Now I know, "Someday I will do that."
