One of the signature exercises of Crossfit is the handstand pushup (HSPU). To do a handstand pushup you have to throw yourself up against the wall into a handstand position and then slowly lower yourself to the ground, head touching the mat, all while still in the handstand position. I have always watched others do these in amazement. I even know a few people who are able to do it a few times one handed. It’s a good thing I like these people, otherwise I would be tempted to push them over. I am not able to flip myself over onto the wall yet so I learned how to do a modified version of them on a bench on my knees, hoping to progress to the real thing one day.
I quickly graduated from the bench to a box, but still do them on my knees. I have become really good at them. I can do a good 25-30 in a row while those doing an actual HSPU might only get 10 before being exhausted. I am a Rock Star at this version of handstand pushups. I would consider myself among the elite. I get my head to the floor EVERY time and do not need a mat.
I realized something a few weeks ago while doing a handstand pushup in a WOD. I have become really good at doing nothing. There is nothing to my version of the HSPU, to make it work you need to get into a plank position (only toes on the box, no knees or legs for support, tush up, head down facing the box). Yesterday I decided it was time to start doing them correctly. I chose to “learn” how to do these in the middle of a timed WOD.
I fell off the box onto my face several times. I couldn’t get it right. My arms were trembling, my shoulders were buckling and I just could not get my arms to lower me to the ground. I could feel the tears building up and it took everything I had to hold them back. Elayne saw I was getting frustrated and tried to encourage me but it was useless, my mental meltdown had taken over. I tried to walk it off but it didn’t help. Every time I returned to the box for another round of HSPU’s my attempts only seemed to get feebler. I left defeated and discouraged. I cried all the way home. When you do something a certain way for an extensive period of time you become good at it, even if you are doing it wrong. Breaking that bad habit and learning how to do it right and becoming good at it takes a lot of work. I hate when I am not good at something, I loathe having to work on it to get better. I am not good at handstands pushups and it hit me quite hard to realize this.
I am usually a reasonable and rational person. I know that my mental meltdown was a reaction to the incredible stress my family has been under for the past two weeks. A man I love very dearly suffered a horribly serious trauma. We spent several days in the Neuro ICU hoping and praying for the best but knowing the reality was that he may never come home and if he did he may not be the same person. We have all been being so strong for each other and fighting back all the raw emotions of the situation that we shut down our feelings and dealt with the situation clinically. I was headed for a mental breakdown regardless; the damn HSPU’s were just the thing that caused the crack.
When I went to the hospital yesterday I was greeted by my recovering father-in-law in a new room. He was moved out of the ICU into a regular room to continue his recovery. I helped him out of his bed, gathered all the wires he was connected to and we went for a walk around the unit. As we walked at a snail’s pace I could see how hard it was for him. His body has been weakened and it literally took every ounce of strength he had to walk just a few feet. I was incredibly overwhelmed. Here he was giving everything he had to walk down a hallway and just hours before I was having a temper tantrum because I couldn’t do a handstand pushup. I was ashamed.
Today was supposed to be my ‘rest” day so I hadn’t planned on going to Crossfit. When I went on the website and saw that we were going to be training our “goat” (work on your weakness.) I knew I needed to go in and work on my handstand pushups...because I could. Every time I piked up on my toes and fell flat on my face I was grateful. After 10 minutes of practicing them I only successfully completed two and I was grateful. I finished and went for a run. It always seems like such a chore and I am miserable in the humidity. As bad as the run was this morning, I was grateful.
I wouldn't describe myself as a religious person but I do believe that there is some greater power at work. This experience has reminded me of that, and in case I wasn't getting the message, I was given a subtle reminder this morning when I got to work. My sister had left one of my son’s toys on my desk. He left it in her car last week when she picked him up while we were in the emergency room. I picked up my sons little plastic goat and realized exactly how grateful I am.
I put the toy goat on my box in the basement so every day when I leave my house I can look at it. I can look at it and be reminded of the second chance we have been given with the man we never told enough how special he is. We are the few lucky ones that get a happy ending in this. I am healthy and strong. I may not be able to do a handstand pushup but I am grateful that I am able to try.
