Tough Enough?

A friend said to me last week that I seemed nonplussed by the Tough Mudder. She was right. I have been pretty excited about it. I have really been trying to look at it as one 4 hour Crossfit WOD. I know I will push myself harder than I have ever done before. I will face obstacles I could never dream of overcoming but I will try them anyway. Above all, no matter how hard it is, or how beaten and exhausted I am at the end, it will be one of the best things I have ever done and I will want to go back for more...just like Crossfit. If all else fails, my friends are really strong so they can carry my lifeless body across the finish line. Hey, as long as I finish, right?

I have been “training” for the past few months and trying to plan my strategy for the day. I remember “running” the Branford Road Race and cringe every time I think about it. I was grossly under prepared for that day. I finished it but didn’t have any fun and don’t have many positive memories of it (next year will be different.) I don’t want that to be the case with the Tough Mudder. I want to have fun. I want to laugh and I want to be proud when it’s over. I want to finish the race and I don’t want to get hurt, so I have tried to prepare as much as possible for Saturday. I have been doing a lot of running, although the reality is that there is not a whole lot of running at a Tough Mudder. Most of the running is up hill, over obstacles or with a large tree stump on your shoulder. I am really not worried about that, it is what it is, if I have to walk some I will. See no worries, nothing to panic about. Then I saw this….. 

Chernobyl Jacuzzi

It is exactly what you think it is. A large “pool” filled with water and about six gazillion ice cubes. The purpose, well there is none. It’s just jumping in and getting to the other side and climbing over a wall to get out. It's just another obstacle to prove how tough you are. This is a new obstacle they added at an event last month. It seems it was torturous enough that they felt the need to keep it. When I saw this picture of the Chernobyl Jacuzzi I also learned that the Tri-State course now has 32 obstacles instead of 19. Clearly electrical shock, running through fire, scaling 15 ft walls and tackling 12 miles isn’t torture enough. http://toughmudder.com/events/tri-state-2011/tri-state-2011-course-map/

Needless to say my nonplussed attitude has since changed. Calm, no worries, whatever, has turned into sleepless nights and anxiety. I cannot stop thinking about the different forms of torment they will be putting us through and how incredibly cold we are going to be. There is no training that can prepare you for the cold and wet.  Am I really tough enough for this?  My excitement has been waning.... until last night.

When you are fat there is nothing you dread more than clothes shopping. The only thing I could think of that is worse is workout clothes shopping. There is no fun to be had for a fat girl trying to squeeze her large body into spandex and lycra that doesn’t even look like it will fit a small child. Regardless, the Mudder is going to be freezing and I needed some compression clothing. It is the only thing that will keep you warmish.

My friend lent me some of her Under Armor compression. In the privacy of my home I tried everything on, dreading every second of it. Shockingly, the pants were fantastic (as far as compression pants go) but being somewhat claustrophobic, and having to wear this tight anyway, I just couldn’t do the smaller sized shirt. Wearing it for 3 minutes sent me into a panic. I needed a to get my own shirt. This meant a trip to Under Armor. Again, fat girl, fitness clothing and an athletic store where said clothing runs small. I was not in a good mental place.

I am pretty upfront about the fact, real or not, that I do not feel like a runner and I do not have the look of a runner. My last experience like this (SoundRunner Old Saybrook) was horrific and made me feel pretty bad. If I didn’t think I could possibly die from the cold water at the Tough Mudder I never would have gone there. It is around the corner from my house and I have never been solely due to my own insecurities.

I had my plan. Head down, make no eye contact, talk to no one, get what I need and get out. I checked the labels on the clothes I borrowed so I knew exactly what I was looking for, no need for help from an associate. You know what they say about the best laid plans….. I couldn’t find it! They switched to their winter wear and all the labels said “cold” gear not the “heat” gear I needed. I don’t know if it was the lost and panicked look on my face or the quick shuffle from one wall to the other, but I drew the attention of the athletic, handsome, young manager. Follow the plan. Make no eye contact, tell him you don’t need help, but you do…..AAarrrggghhhh! I told him what I was looking for, he decided to turn it into a lesson on cold versus hot and the many different uses of compression. Just point to it and let me get out of here. He proceeded to take his sweatshirt off and show me that he was wearing the Cool Gear because of the time of year it is.  Really, is this necessary.  Just get out of here.  What's a little cold water.

I told him I really needed the Heat Gear because the other one was too thick and I need something to dry quickly.  Here it comes. Why? What are you going to be doing? Do not answer him. Take his damn cold gear and go. Work it out later. Tough Mudder I said quietly, hoping he would pretend not to hear me and move on, saving us both the embarrassment and giving us the ability to move on, both unscarred. “TOUGH MUDDER!” He shouted. Why did you not keep your mouth shut. Legs don’t fail me now. Move. Get out of here! “That is so cool! You definitely need the Heat Gear.”

It took a moment to register. At first it was like he was speaking a foreign language I couldn’t quite understand. His reaction was definitely not the one I had been prepared for. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t shame me. He didn’t act surprised that I was doing it. He asked a ton of questions and told me he wants to do one but doesn't think he is brave enough. Wow! Really?  Silly boy, it's not bravery, it's stupidity.  We chatted for a while. He told me the compression would also be good for winter running. What?!?! You assume I am a runner! I heart you young, athletic, handsome Under Armor man.

As I checked out he told the other sales people about the Mudder. They weren’t shocked either. They high fived me and wished me luck. They told me I was going to do great. I felt a 100 lbs lighter walking out of there. I didn't feel bad about myself.  I didn’t have bad Tough Mudder dreams last night. I woke up excited about the Mudder again. This Fat to Fit journey has been long and often times miserable. In three days I will sign a four page death waiver as I participate in probably the most physically and mentally grueling event of my life. I am ready for it. For the first time in my life I feel like an athlete.

I'm OK With That

In the past, I ate, a lot. I sat, a lot. I gained weight, a lot. After every eating binge I would say, “That’s ok. I will start over tomorrow.” I kept postponing the present in hope for a better tomorrow. Tomorrow came and went with 1,467 tomorrows that “I will do better” (that’s the most recent actual number.) Instead of living my life I was standing on the sidelines watching it pass me by, always wishing I could be doing the things other people were. Those days are gone and I cannot get them back. All I can do with them is learn, recognize the signs that got me there, identify my triggers and try harder today. Today is the only thing I have control over. I need to use the past as a learning opportunity instead of a constant excuse.

You have heard me complain before that I cannot do a handstand pushup. The thought of flipping my body over, against a wall upside down and doing a push-up does not only take great strength but also great mental fortitude. Doing a HSPU has been a big focus of mine. I have been practicing piking on a box and am just not getting better. A few weeks ago we had to work on our “goat” again at Crossfit. I was not given a choice as to my concentrated skill, the women I was with decided I was going to flip onto the wall and do a HSPU. I didn’t want to do it but knew I needed to. It was the first Crossfit movement that I was actually afraid to try. 

I dream of doing a handstand push up like this

After several embarrassing tries they grabbed my legs and flipped me upside down against the wall. I have never been upside down with only my arms to support me. I was scared. I was insecure. I was vulnerable. I felt huge. I came back down and was done. Again, on your own. They were not going to let me walk away yet. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was acting like I had in the past. The fear and insecurity with my body was holding me back. It’s easier to postpone the things we want because it is difficult and can get scary. Just because I don’t do a HSPU today doesn’t mean that they are going away. It will keep coming up and every time it will make me feel more and more bad about myself. Fears are faced best head on and with the support of friends. I did a few more with them and then finally got a handstand on my own. I was so excited I choked on my gum and fell on my head. 

                                           
That HS (no PU yet) has really put me in a good place. The past week I have been focusing on the things I CAN do and embrace the accomplishments of the past nine months, rather than dismissing my efforts and dreading how far I still have to go. The scale hasn’t moved since June but I am ok with that. I feel better than I have in years, both physically and mentally. I am wearing clothes I was trying to get into before I was pregnant and I am 15 lbs heavier than I was then! Crossfit and running have really helped to change my body. It’s more than just weight loss.

I still do not like running but I have come to embrace it. I may not enjoy it while I am doing it but I feel good when I am done. I need to run. I am an 11-12 minute mile runner. I would love to be able to run a 10 minute mile (I did it one time and thought I was going to die) but I am not there yet. I think that I am a consistent runner. I loathe the first mile. It is absolutely the hardest mile for me to conquer but miles 3-5 are actually starting to feel easier. That first mile and the last are all at the same pace. I am ok with that.

Lately I have been really frustrated because I noticed that my 1 rep max for different weighted movements has been going down. In the beginning of the summer I was able to clean and jerk 105 lbs for my 1 rm with a 125 lb end of summer goal. Three months later I am struggling to just clean the 105 lbs, never mind get it over my head. Many temper tantrums ensued and my frustration was reaching a breaking point. I hadn't been paying attention to the fact that I have spent the past three months focusing on my form. I have been going down on the weight I am lifting so that I can get a low squat each time. When I place the med ball behind me I hit it every time. This week I have been going back to lifting heavy, with the correct form. It is really difficult. It feels good. The time it takes me to get through a WOD is much longer now. I am ok with that. 

In learning to focus on today and on the things that I can do I have found comfort. I believe I am where I need to be right now. Dieting, exercising, trying to be someone I wasn’t, I’ve failed a million times. I am ok with that. All that failure has brought me here and I like here. I still have so far to go in this journey. I am looking forward to seeing what else I can do.