I'm OK With That

In the past, I ate, a lot. I sat, a lot. I gained weight, a lot. After every eating binge I would say, “That’s ok. I will start over tomorrow.” I kept postponing the present in hope for a better tomorrow. Tomorrow came and went with 1,467 tomorrows that “I will do better” (that’s the most recent actual number.) Instead of living my life I was standing on the sidelines watching it pass me by, always wishing I could be doing the things other people were. Those days are gone and I cannot get them back. All I can do with them is learn, recognize the signs that got me there, identify my triggers and try harder today. Today is the only thing I have control over. I need to use the past as a learning opportunity instead of a constant excuse.

You have heard me complain before that I cannot do a handstand pushup. The thought of flipping my body over, against a wall upside down and doing a push-up does not only take great strength but also great mental fortitude. Doing a HSPU has been a big focus of mine. I have been practicing piking on a box and am just not getting better. A few weeks ago we had to work on our “goat” again at Crossfit. I was not given a choice as to my concentrated skill, the women I was with decided I was going to flip onto the wall and do a HSPU. I didn’t want to do it but knew I needed to. It was the first Crossfit movement that I was actually afraid to try. 

I dream of doing a handstand push up like this

After several embarrassing tries they grabbed my legs and flipped me upside down against the wall. I have never been upside down with only my arms to support me. I was scared. I was insecure. I was vulnerable. I felt huge. I came back down and was done. Again, on your own. They were not going to let me walk away yet. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was acting like I had in the past. The fear and insecurity with my body was holding me back. It’s easier to postpone the things we want because it is difficult and can get scary. Just because I don’t do a HSPU today doesn’t mean that they are going away. It will keep coming up and every time it will make me feel more and more bad about myself. Fears are faced best head on and with the support of friends. I did a few more with them and then finally got a handstand on my own. I was so excited I choked on my gum and fell on my head. 

                                           
That HS (no PU yet) has really put me in a good place. The past week I have been focusing on the things I CAN do and embrace the accomplishments of the past nine months, rather than dismissing my efforts and dreading how far I still have to go. The scale hasn’t moved since June but I am ok with that. I feel better than I have in years, both physically and mentally. I am wearing clothes I was trying to get into before I was pregnant and I am 15 lbs heavier than I was then! Crossfit and running have really helped to change my body. It’s more than just weight loss.

I still do not like running but I have come to embrace it. I may not enjoy it while I am doing it but I feel good when I am done. I need to run. I am an 11-12 minute mile runner. I would love to be able to run a 10 minute mile (I did it one time and thought I was going to die) but I am not there yet. I think that I am a consistent runner. I loathe the first mile. It is absolutely the hardest mile for me to conquer but miles 3-5 are actually starting to feel easier. That first mile and the last are all at the same pace. I am ok with that.

Lately I have been really frustrated because I noticed that my 1 rep max for different weighted movements has been going down. In the beginning of the summer I was able to clean and jerk 105 lbs for my 1 rm with a 125 lb end of summer goal. Three months later I am struggling to just clean the 105 lbs, never mind get it over my head. Many temper tantrums ensued and my frustration was reaching a breaking point. I hadn't been paying attention to the fact that I have spent the past three months focusing on my form. I have been going down on the weight I am lifting so that I can get a low squat each time. When I place the med ball behind me I hit it every time. This week I have been going back to lifting heavy, with the correct form. It is really difficult. It feels good. The time it takes me to get through a WOD is much longer now. I am ok with that. 

In learning to focus on today and on the things that I can do I have found comfort. I believe I am where I need to be right now. Dieting, exercising, trying to be someone I wasn’t, I’ve failed a million times. I am ok with that. All that failure has brought me here and I like here. I still have so far to go in this journey. I am looking forward to seeing what else I can do.